The Daily Pith PARADE EXTRA

Trump Throws A Parade -- America Throws Up!

FELON PRESIDENT DONALD J. Trump is hosting what he’s calling a “patriotic military extravaganza” in the heart of Washington, D.C. on his 79th birthday, Flag Day and more — or as 64% of Americans are calling it, “a taxpayer-funded ego tantrum on wheels.” Billed as the “Salute to Me” Parade, the event features tanks, fighter jets, and a custom-built golden float shaped like Trump’s head being pulled by confused Clydesdale horses.

The president is expected to wave from atop a mobile replica of Mount Rushmore with his own face replacing all four presidents.

Meanwhile, protests have erupted coast to coast. In D.C., demonstrators lined the parade route with signs like “Tanks But No Tanks”, “Fourth of You Lie,” and “Make Parades Boring Again.” In Portland, activists formed a human peace sign using 2,000 inflatable chickens. In Chicago, a jazz band marched in reverse with banners that read “Freedom Doesn't Look Like This, Bro.”

Critics have slammed the event as a “dictator cosplay session,” while the White House defended it as “an inspiring display of American might and one man’s untreated narcissism.”

“I served two tours in Iraq,” said retired Colonel Tom Beasley, attending the protest in a wheelchair. “I didn’t fight for this country so a guy who dodged the draft with bone spurs could play Mussolini Barbie.”

Backlash has even come from Trump’s own base. “I was promised a wall, not a parade,” grumbled one attendee in a stars-and-stripes bucket hat. “Also, my taxes went up. Can I at least ride a tank?”

As jet fighters scream overhead, the president reportedly plans to give a speech titled “My Favorite Founding Father: Me.” A second float, featuring a massive animatronic Trump holding a Bible and a Big Mac, was briefly detained when it rolled into the reflecting pool.

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