The Daily Pith BEAUTIFUL BILL

WEEKENDER: Trump Signs 'Big, Beautiful Bill' -- Nobody Knows What's In It (But It Looks 'Great')

IN A TRIUMPHANT CEREMONY attended by confused lawmakers, baffled economists, and several hired clappers from Mar-a-Lago, Felon President Donald J. Trump on Friday signed what he called “the biggest, most beautiful bill in the history of mankind -- maybe ever.”

The bill, officially titled the “Freedom, Liberty, Eagle, Jobs, Patriotism, and Something About God Act,” is over 1,000 pages long and appears to be a stapled-together mix of old golf scorecards, expired McDonald’s coupons, and passages from "The Art of the Deal."

“No one’s read it, but that’s how you know it’s good,” Trump declared, holding the bill aloft. “It’s got tax cuts, wall funding, and a section that makes it illegal to say I lost anything EVER, including Medicaid.

QUESTION: What does this "Big Beautiful Bill" mean for the average American? Economists are scrambling to interpret the bill’s vague but aggressively patriotic language. Highlights include:

✓ A $14 billion grant for "faith-based infrastructure," which appears to involve paving over libraries with megachurch parking lots.

✓ A clause requiring all future textbooks to refer to Trump as “Father of Real Freedom (2025 -- ∞).”

✓ New tariffs on “woke goods,” including oat milk, books with more than one perspective, and any appliance that asks how you’re feeling.

One section earmarks funds to "end inflation by yelling at it really loud." Another bans the metric system for being "European” and “suspicious."

Democrats responded with their usual firepower: an online petition, a pointed Rachel Maddow segment, and a record-breaking $9.6 million raised via an email titled “Are You Furious Too?”

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NOW YOU KNOW: Pith is the essence of something. Brief, forceful and meaningful in expression, full of vigor, substance or meaning as in a pithy observation - it's the most important, most essential and most vital part of some idea or experience.

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